Soft Anonymous

Done.

2005-04-04T01:39:00.000-04:00

This blog is closed. As in, no longer in use, don't bother checking back and don't look for links to a new blog. This is the last place you'll find it, if there ever is one.

Thank you to everyone who has lied to me, betrayed my trust and acted like a caring friend. You have all made incredibly fucked up and painful situations so much easier.

All of my contact information is going to be changed. Those of you that I wish to keep in touch with will know how to get in touch with me, or I will contact you myself.

To the rest of you:
Just go fuck yourselves.

***Edit on 05/30/2005
Due to privacy issues and the deceitful nature of some people on this earth, many past posts on this blog have been taken down. Anything containing valuable private going ons of my life. If anoyone feels the need to see some of it for archival purposes, e-mail me and I'll consider it.

To the person(s) that initated this and those that I still have no desire to communicate with in any way: You can still go fuck yourselves.

2005-03-27T00:44:00.000-05:00

Things are still a bit awkward, unsettled and generally weird around here. I've tossed around the idea of deleting this blog completely, or leaving it behind and possibly starting a new one, as I enter a new phase in my life (or attempt to). This is what I wrote a few days ago (Disclamer: Written on a very bad day):

This blog is no longer in use. Don't look for a link to another one, because if another is created, this is the last place you will find a link.

If I know you IRL and want to keep in touch with you, you'll know how to find me. If I no longer want to see or hear from you, then tough luck. You had your chance; now fuck off and deal with the consequinces.

I'm still on holiday in Florida. So far, it's been pretty decent. Visited friends in Tampa. Spent time with my family. Avoided all but a few select people that I know here. The only really discouraging thing has been realizing exactly how fast bad news travels, and how much it is distorted over time. Rumor of my situation got around last time I was here (I had friends telling me that ex-boyfriends (that I dated four years ago) girlfriends were commenting on how incredibly sad it was, for example). Let's just say this. If everyone reacted to telling a lie like Pinochio, most of the people that have passed along word of my "situation" would have noses as long as the Deerfield Beach Pier.

I received this a few days ago:

While in Tampa, the girls and I explored Sunland Hospital. Originally, it was a tuberculosis hospital that was converted into an institution for mentally and physically retarded/handicapped pantients. It was shut down in the 80's, due to horrifying patient neglect and abuse. There are six of these hospitals in Florida...the two most known being the Sunlands' in Tallahassee and Orlando. I took a TON of photo's. I'll definitely be writing more about this later. I'll leave you with a few teaser-photo's.

Song: The Duhks-Four Blue Walls

Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy.

2005-03-17T00:53:00.000-05:00

2005-03-16T10:38:00.000-05:00

I'll write more on this later. But last night, Gary Jules was exactly what I needed. I'd almost forgotten how calming and therapeutic it is to see a good live artist.

And I'll say this. His new album is going to be fucking amazing.

2005-03-14T17:53:00.000-05:00

The idea of seeing Gary Jules here tomorrow night just made my month.

2005-03-10T05:03:00.000-05:00

Tonight, as I was screwing around online before bed, I stumbled on a few things. They have left me feeling nauseus, stupid and more violated and betrayed than I ever have before. Not to mention totally worthless. The thing is, I'm not worthless. I'm worth so much more.

So much for hope.

I'm going to do my best to have this be the very last post I make on this subject or line of thought. It's time to try and forget. Be it through drugs that leave me dazed or cheap wine; it honestly doesn't matter anymore. I'm just done.

I feel so violated.

2005-03-09T01:11:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is about the last year. Everyone seems to be bottoming out now. Everyone seems to be more stressed and anxious than they have ever been in previous years. I'm questining the need for our existence and the mere value of life. I don't understand why we struggle so much, only to move from one day to another, allowing others to continually hurt us, betray us, break us and cast us away as if we were nothing; completely void of any beauty or value. Is the struggle worth the fleeting moments of peace, beauty and love? Sometimes I think so. Others, I just really don't know.

This morning I allowed myself the luxury of an aimless drive. Accidental, but I allowed it nonetheless. I was on my way up into the foothills to pick up kitten food from a local feed and grain store. It was small, nestled back in the hills amongst deserted factories, no name mexican fast food joints, closed train depots and charming rundown houses with sofas on the porch and munchkins running around. It was definitely a melancholy morning. I woke up feeling depressed, useless and completely lacking any purpose. As I drove up into the hills from the valley that I live in, the sun disappeared. The further up I drove, the thicker the mask of fog became. It was beautiful; but in a very sad way. Instantly I went from quiet, gated, middle class apartment complexes to a hillside town that seemed to have been forgotten and left to dry up. Everything was run down. The roads were horrible. Houses had falling in porches and yards littered with broken toys and random forgotten objects.

Sometimes I think that's all our lives are made up of. Forgotten and cast away people and objects that others saw as broken and useless. But somehow, someone saw something saddeningly and tragically beautiful that made us worth salvaging.

2005-03-08T02:30:00.000-05:00

Today was HORRID.

2005-03-04T01:22:00.000-05:00

I was going to try and actually make an upbeat post, or post one of the many things I've been working on. But that isn't happening tonight.

Today reminded me of a past post. Specifically the metaphor that lies within.

In the last few weeks I've gone from assistant producer on Stoopid Heroes to producer, to co-director and now director. When I finally had time to slow down last night, I was amazed at how all of it took place. In short, I stepped in as producer awhile back. A week or so ago a decision was made by myself and my co-producer to fire our director. Then I became co-director and finally director. We became the first student film in the short history of our film department to fire their director. Talk about drama. I've made myself several enemies and a bit of a reputation by now. I fought a professor that wanted to kick me out of his class. Then I pushed to fire our director.

Tonight/Today I realized that WE SHOOT ON SATURDAY. Semi-panic attack/asthma attack ensued. My kitten had to be taken to the vet again because he was sick. He's on drugs now. He also managed to jump in the toilet tonight. which resulted in a bath. Sounds like a lovely night, huh?

I had a few good days; I actually felt like I might be coming out of the depression. No such luck. I can feel it creeping up behind me, like a theif waiting to push me to my knees and strip me of everything I have left.
#

2005-03-03T04:02:00.000-05:00

I don't think I can even remember the last time I was this tired.

2005-02-23T23:49:00.000-05:00

I'm sick and tired of working around everyone else's schedule and waiting around for people to either make time or get their shit together.

Today was one of the worst days I've had in awhile. I didn't get anything I wanted to done. I can't reslove the problems with film scheduling and costume fittings. I'm sick and tired of busting my ass for people and projects and pouring myself into them, then having them either fuck me over or treating me like an idiot and giving me absolutely no creative input.

My room is a disaster. The entire apartment is a disaster. I've been trying to get it clean for at least a week now, and everytime I get one room clean, it get's messed up again. I haven't done laundry in a month, I haven't had time to shower in two days and I had to take my kitten to the vet today. As a result, I feel gross and Edgar had to get shots and is pretty sick right now. He's hardly moved all day, he's limping, he's puking and he feels like he has a fever.

I also haven't eaten today. Have I mentioned that I've lost about 20lbs in the last few weeks? Yeah. It's that stress/heartbreak diet. Recipe for instant weight loss.

With that said I'm finding something to eat and cracking open a fresh bottle of wine.

2005-02-21T03:42:00.000-05:00

2005-02-20T01:26:00.000-05:00

Three valuable things I've learned lately:

A) NEVER put peels down the disposal. I peeled a 4lb. butternut squash, then attempted to put most of the peel down the drain. The result? My entire kitchen was coated with gross butternut squash water and soggy peel mush.

B) I am not good with tools. I should not be left alone in the house with a drill. I attempted to hang some racks in our kitchen, so as to reduce the overall clutter. The result? I finally got them hung, but there are several moderately large holes from where the drill and I weren't quite getting along. I kept trying to fix the holes and make them work, but they only got progressively worse.

C) My cat will eat and drink ANYTHING. I left spaghetti on the table; he ate it. I left a glass of wine on the table; he drank it (only two licks before I caught him).

Oh yes. I've also taught my cat to fetch.

2005-02-18T02:45:00.000-05:00

Today was a day of stress and chaos. Tonight was supposed to be a night of relaxation and recovery. It started out as such, but as I'm continuing to learn, it's very rare for a good thing to last. In an effort to do at least one productive thing tonight, I retrieved three large stacks of papers. Letters, bills, rebates that were never sent in, receipts, etc. That's one thing we always had in common. Stacks of papers and paperwork in multitude on the desk, or hurriedly shoved into a file folder or drawer.

I spread everything out on the living room floor. That's when it shifted. It went from a night of relaxation and recovery to a night of memories, accompanied by wine.

The deeper into the stacks I went, the more evidence of him I found. Notes we scribbled on scraps of paper. Flight itineraries and road trip routes. The bag, boxes and parking ticket from the day we bought rings. The diagram and dimensions for the huge black curtain I made for his studio. Still unpaid doctors bills from a little over a year ago. Traces of him surround me on a daily basis. But I keep busy; I push on, giving myself no time to stop and ponder. It is because of that very thing that the sharp pain surprised me. I started asking myself questions: is the black curtain still up, or did he take it down? Are my pictures still on his desk, or has that frame been refilled with pictures of her? Did he throw out the solitary plate that I accidentally left behind? Does he remember and treasure the moments of true love and tenderness that we shared? And the way that we had entire conversations without speaking a word? Or does none of that matter anymore? Are my traces and his memories of me still lingering, or is he busy making memories to replace me, with someone else leaving her traces in his life?

I remember what was supposed to be my last night in Dallas this past January. Right after we crawled into bed, I brought up the one subject we had been avoiding all week. I had begun to think that things might work out, that we might try and make our best go of it. Truly, truly naive and stupid. As we lay there talking, I began to cry. He asked if I could let go; back things up for just awhile while he decided what he wanted in life and in relationships period. Not just with me. I said I would, for a while, because I love him and wanted him to be happy. I sobbed myself to sleep that night, his arms tight around me, feeling every quiver and gasp of pain.

I never thought I would see myself like this. I never knew I was capable of so much love and so much trust. Especially when I apparently was never truly loved in the first place. For a moment, I felt like I might have been moving on. Rebuilding. But the truth is, I still spend my nights curled up in a tight ball on one side of the bed, craving his arms around me like I've never craved anything before.

2005-02-14T20:44:00.000-05:00

UGH.

I'm just so tired.

2005-02-13T04:21:00.000-05:00

Today started out really good. I got up nice and early to get ready for the casting call of "Stoopid Heroes" (the film I'm producing). Then I went and set things up, and by the time we were scheduled to start we had at least three kids already there. It worked out great. Twenty out of twenty-five scheduled kids showed up. We aren't talking inexperienced child actors here. We're talking resume, headshot, memorized lines, acting school, intelligent and very cute child actors. Casting call ended at 4:00 and by 5:45 we had our entire cast put together and scheduled for immediate rehearsal on Sunday.

About midway through the casting sessions I left to get lunch with one of my old professors/my academic advisor. The main purpose of doing that was to get things sorted out about the ass hole professor who's trying to kick me out. We made some progress.

Then I spent some time running around town with my dad (who's in town for a few days) and eventually came home.

Here's where it started to really suck. I get home and am informed of the fact that Aiden (or Edgar, haven't decided yet (my kitten)) had thrown his shit all over the walls and floor surrounding the litter box. As a result, my roommates had moved the food and litter box into my bathroom, which was fine. The only problem was, Aiden did the exact same thing to my bathroom. I think he was a little mad that we left him alone all day, don't you??

So I went out and bought a litter box with a cover and a swinging door, so as to prevent the shit flying everywhere in the future. As of now, he's still a little scared of it.

Then as my roommate was going to bed, she climbed in, and low and behold, she stuck her finger in something mushy and very smelly. Yup. Kitten crap, again. He was so mad at us that he shat and urinated on my roommate’s comforter and sheets. This would be the roommate that isn't exactly a cat person (of course! He couldn't do it to someone that actually likes him, now could he?). So tomorrow I have to mop all the hard floors, wash my roommate’s sheets and take her comforter to the dry cleaners. Exactly how I wanted to spend my Sunday afternoon!

It's a good thing I'm really lonely and he's really cute and affectionate. Otherwise I might have seriously hurt him tonight.

2005-02-10T01:12:00.000-05:00

I had so much to say when I opened my browser to blog. By the time I looked for some pictures and quotes, I'd lost all the words.

Yesterday reality hit me like 10 semi's going 100 mph. I'm having to fight to stay in the one class I really need to stay in. I'm producing a film that's currently a huge mess. I've been remembering all the little, every-day things that I loved about him. It's really pissing me off that people say "call me if you need anything at all" and then never call you back. I've a splitting headache, so I'm leaving you with a picture of my kitten:

2005-02-07T01:33:00.000-05:00

I think I'm finally doing better. I still have bad afternoons and really bad nights sometimes, but at least it's not every day now. Thursday I had my final session with my therapist here in FL. It was really productive, and ended up being a joint session. Half just me, half with my mom included. Friday I had my last appointment with my psychiatrist. I'm hoping that we've got the medical side of this squared away now. But we'll just have to wait and see.

In the end, I'm glad I came home. I really needed my friends and family around, even though I wasn't able to recognize that in the beginning. Being cut off from everyone and everything in an institution would have been a disaster. It might have been productive while I was there, but it wouldn't have lasted once I was out and heard about everything.

I feel like I might finally be able to stop hidding out at my parents house and face the real world again. My family is still a little nervous. But I think it will be fine, with the support of a few friends and my roomates out in CA (I'm also going to find a psychologist and psychiatrist there, so nobody e-mail me and fuss at me for not continuing therapy). It's a good thing I'm finally feeling like that, because I'm going back to CA on Tuesday morning.

And I'm getting a cat. I think I've finally decided on one. A little red and white boy, with blue eyes. He's only 11 weeks old, and small enough to hold in one hand. I can't wait to pick him up before I leave!

2005-02-06T01:26:00.000-05:00

Life After God, Douglas Coupland

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened (p. 207).

...I thought of how every day each of us experiences a few little moments that have just a bit more resonance than other moments-we hear a word that sticks in our mind-or maybe we have a small experience that pulls us out of ourselves, if only briefly...And if we were to collect these small moments in a notebook and save them over a period of months we would see certain trends emerge from our collection-certain voices would emerge that have been trying to speak through us. We would realize that we have been having another life altogether, one we didn't even know was going on inside us. And maybe this other life is more important than the one we think of as being real-this clunky day-to-day world of furniture and noise and metal. So just maybe it is these small silent moments which are the true story-making events of our lives (p. 254-255).

2005-02-04T02:43:00.000-05:00

I'm officially replacing romantic relationships in my life with a kitten. For a very long time.

2005-02-01T17:35:00.000-05:00

2005-02-01T13:18:00.000-05:00

Wackiness: 46/100
Rationality: 40/100
Constructiveness: 44/100
Leadership: 60/100

You are a SEDL--Sober Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you a Dictator.

You prefer to control situations, and lack of control makes you physically sick. You feel have responsibility for everyone's welfare, and that you will be blamed when things go wrong. Things do go wrong, and you take it harder than you should.

You rely on the ~~validation~~ and support of others, but you have a secret distrust for people and distaste for their habits and weaknesses that make you keep your distance from them. This makes you very difficult to be with romantically. Still, a level-headed peacemaker can keep you balanced.

Despite your fierce temper and general hot-bloodedness, you have a soft spot for animals and a surprising passion for the arts. Sometimes you would almost rather live by your wits in the wilderness somewhere, if you could bring your books and your sketchbook.

You also have a strange, undeniable sexiness to you. You may go insane.

Of the 86691 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 5.5 % are this type.
#

2005-02-01T10:21:00.000-05:00

Every morning when I wake up, I'm alone. The only person left in this large house. The lives that my family live have continued to move on while I'm stuck in this odd state of limbo. I don't have a routine. I go to bed in the early hours of the morning, and if I'm lucky, I wake up sometime in the afternoon. I hardly ever have any place to be. The only things on any kind of a regular pattern are my medication consumption and every other night trips to the pub. Aside from that, I write. I read. I attempt to work, but that normally doesn't happen. Every once in awhile there's dialogue about what I want to do. How I want to handle the situation at hand and the next few months. I try to get out in the sun; supposedly that will help my moods. It normally lasts all of twenty minutes, and then I end up wandering around a bookstore or the library. The library is normally my first choice. I love the musky smell of aging books. I love the crackle of brittle pages and worn but recently un-used bindings. I can wander the shelves at my leisure. Choose a few books, find an empty corner, slip off my shoes and settle on the floor against an empty piece of wall and immerse myself in books and knowledge. It's the one place I can go and be guranteed solitude. Libraries are quiet places. People there leave you alone. Noone is trying to help you. Diagnose you. Fix you.

Sometimes things are just brittle and worn. Sometimes they just can't be fixed. I'm not sure if that's me, or just the books that keep me company.

2005-02-01T04:01:00.000-05:00

It's 3:00am. I'm sitting alone. The glare from the computer screen is the only source of light. I've been trying to sleep all night; the dreams keep coming back. So I've been alternating between reading my new book and backreading my various blogs and a few others. The book to serve as a distraction. Something else to occupy my mind. The blogs...well, I guess I've been reading them in an attempt to grasp at and get some perspective on the various changes I'm going through; situations, circumstances, issues brought up in therapy, etc.

It's been difficult holding on to the idea that goodness and beauty always win over the darkness. Sometimes I wonder if it's just a lie I tell myself to get through the next hour. The next attack. The next day. The next dark and empty night. The next week. The next depressive phase. The next month. The next betrayal. The next year. And finally, the next breakdown.

I don't have much faith left. In humanity or in Christ. If He showed up on my doorstep tonight, I might be tempted to just tell him to go fuck himself. I know many of you cringed as you read that. But let's face it. Honesty and being honest with myself is the only way I'll make it through this dark tunnel and out into the light.

2005-01-28T05:08:00.000-05:00

I've been staring at the blank "Create Entry" screen in blogger for days now. I've thought and debated about what to say. When to say it, how to say it, and exactly how much to talk about. The conclusion I've come to is this:

I'm an adult. I don't want to create more drama. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to start rumors. I need to document these things and situations that have been tearing my life apart for years. I need a place to write about my bad days and a place to celebrate the few good ones I experience while I pick myself up and try to rebuild and recover. I'm going to be very open and very honest. But I'm not going to discuss other people's lives when they do not directly pertain to or affect mine. Like I said; I don't want to hurt anyone.

So here's where the honesty and openness comes in. There's been some talk, and I'd like to clear it up right now. I am in Florida. I am staying with my parents. I don't know when I'll be in a frame of mind to return to California. I'm hoping it will be in the next week. But my days and moods are so inconsistent and unstable right now. I'm not back in Florida for a vacation, or just a weekend, or because I felt like I just needed to get away. I'm hurting. I'm hurting more than I ever have in my short lifetime; those of you that know me well know that I have lived through and dealt with a lot. I'm all too familiar with death. Then there is the trauma and the betrayal. And I'm being totally honest when I say that this has hurt the worst.

I didn't know how to ask for help anymore. I didn't know how to deal with the pain. I didn't want to get any older, because let's face it, it doesn't get easier from here. It just gets harder. Anyone that ever told you differently was full of shit. I just wanted all of it to stop. So I lost it. We're not talking about a few days of crying or a short bout of depression; we're talking about totally debilitating, mind-blowing depression, angst and hopelessness. I had a total breakdown, to put it very mildly. It had been coming for a long time. It definitely wasn't caused by just one person or one event or one situation. It was a multitude of things that have been piling up for the last seven years. It was not soley because of the breakup or anything that took place afterwards. In the end, I had a choice between being placed in an institution or coming home. So here I am.

I'm working with psychotherapists and a psychiatrist; I'm seeing multiple therapists in what feels like a vain effort to find the right one, and I am on multiple drugs. I had a good day yesterday. Things were looking up. I felt worlds better, and I sounded it. I managed to get out of bed AND shower. Without immediately needing a nap afterwards (which, by the way, totally defeats getting out of bed and showering in the first place). Even my parents felt better about things, and we were thinking that I might be back in California by Wednesday. Things started going slightly downhill last night (Wednesday night). I was at Target with my mom picking up some basic clothes. I dressed myself backwards. Twice. I'm twenty years old and I couldn't dress myself properly! And today was a totally different story. Today was horrible. I spent hours on the phone with multiple friends (thank you so much, you have no idea how much you helped). I had a really bad therapy session. I sobbed at the blockbuster checkout counter because the jerk-ass kid working there wouldn't rent me movies because my name wasn't on my parents account anymore. I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to tear him to pieces with my bare hands. But I sobbed instead. In public. Because I just wanted to escape and this jerk-ass kid just didn't understand it, and I felt so hopeless and lost, and WOULD IT KILL HIM TO RENT A HYSTERICAL WOMAN A FUCKING MOVIE??

So here I am. Shattered and scarred and hopelessly in love.

I miss him. I miss us. Some of it seems bittersweet now. Some of it seems tainted. But most of it is still beautiful. At least I have my memories. Yes, they hurt sometimes. But they also comfort me when the nights are darkest and loneliest. The pictures in this post are from some of the times and places I treasure the most. From concerts where we shared moments, from trips and times when each other was all we needed and enough to make us feel like we could face this cruel world.

For now, I want him to be okay. I want them to be okay. But more importantly, I need to learn to be okay. Not happy, not resolved; that comes later. Right now I just need to be okay.

sidethought/addition/something I said earlier: We're both hurting. Neither of us know what to do, and nobody seems to know what to do with us. Including ourselves. It's not just because of one thing or the other, or this person or that person or any one situation. It's a combination of everything and the losses and changes that we've all experienced in the last few years. Things pile up. And eventually everything finally hits you smack in the face. In my case, I just couldn't hit back anymore.

2005-01-21T10:14:00.000-05:00

I'm so afraid
Something is broken now
Too much been said
To wipe it clean somehow

Without
This love
Where will I be

Without
This love
Where will I be

Darkness abounds
Heaviness weighs myheart
'Round and round and round
We've gonna have to be apart

Without
(gonna have to be)
This love
(stronger than I've ever been)
Where will I be
(Don't know how to be without you)

Without
This love
Where will I be

Without
(gonna have to be)
This love
(stronger than I've ever been)
Where will I be
(Don't know how to be without you)
#

2005-01-19T21:29:00.000-05:00

"someone's life was literally in danger."
that's what i've been trying to tell you all week.

2005-01-12T18:37:00.000-05:00

Just a Quick Update:

-I finally made it back to California, despite a cancelled flight and changing my schedule twice.

-However, I am car-less, and am realizing how incredibly spoiled I am by having a car. I left it in Ontario at my old roomate's parents house over holiday. Unfortunately, Jenny (the old roomate) had a cold when she gave me directions to her house over the phone. So the directions I wrote down didn't make any sense, and my saintly roomate Aurielle drove me around Ontario for two and a half hours last night trying to locate Jenny's house. We finally gave up and arrived back home three and a half hours after we left.

-I'm realizing why being one of those organized freaks that knows exactly what classes they are going to take every semester of their entire college career might actually pay off and be a good thing. At least they wouldn't be like me, and be the student running around like a chicken missing it's head, begging professors to add them to their already full class. I'm waiting to hear back from a few professors about adding their class. If they don't let me add, I'm pretty much screwed.

-My apartment is a disaster. It was perfectly clean and organized before I arrived. But I've been so busy begging professors to add me that I haven't had time to unpack, so the contents of my suitcase have been emptied onto my bedroom floor and are beginning to spill over into the living room. I think my mom was right when she told me I'm the human version of a tornado.

-I've decided that I have too much stuff. Leaving CA for FL a month ago, my suitcase was 1 lb short of being over the weight limit. I shipped a 17 lb. box back to CA a week before I left FL, and when I went to leave Dallas, the lady weighing my bag informed me that it was over the limit by 21 lbs. Apparently American Airlines has a much lower weight limit that Jet Blue does. So I became one of those people that you see unpacking half their suitcase in the middle of the airport and cramming it into a backpack and a few purses so that they can avoid paying the fine for an overweight suitcase.

-People that I know personally: keep your eyes open for blogging elsewhere.

2005-01-09T12:38:00.000-05:00

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

-Sylvia Plath

2004-12-17T14:49:00.000-05:00

Seeing as my family is rather large, every year we all draw names, that way nobody goes broke trying to buy gifts for the entire family. This morning my mom called to let me know that I got my brother Tripp, who's 15. I've gone to the conclusion that he's turned out to be a semi well rounded and artistic 15 year old (although still 15, as you can tell from some of the items). This is his list:

*Leather belt
*Awesome knit hats
*CD, Tom Waits, Heart Attack and Vine
*CD, Santana
*CD, Grateful Dead
*CD, The Only Children, Change of Living
*Cheap aviator sunglasses
*Banjo
*Bearded dragon
*Rat snake
*Paintball gun
*Wallabees shoes (no idea how to spell that)
*Personal mini fridge
*52 vintage telecastor guitar
*Canvas and paints
*2005 calendar

Needless to say, he won't be getting the bearded dragon or the rat snake. My poor cat would have an absolute heart attack trying to kill both of them. Apparently he's also been told that he can buy the vintage guitar for himself, after he sells all the other guitars he owns (he currently plays guitar, flute, saxophone, bass...and one other?). And my mom told me he can't have the Grateful Dead CD (even though I'm positive my parents used to own a few themselves).

My sister Carly, who's 17, has turned into a fashion freak. Everything on her list was clothes. My mom has no idea what the two things on Noah's (who's 9) list are. And Abi's main request was yarn and knitting needles and for me to teach her how to knit. Which I can definitely manage. She's been trying to get me to teach her for years, but until now I don't think she was old enough to have the patience and hand coordination to do it.

2004-12-15T23:54:00.000-05:00

Let me just start by saying that this semester is almost over, and I'm feeling really damn good. Tomorrow morning at 11:45 am, my semester officially ends. Two months ago, I was convinced that making it through this semester was absolutely impossible. Dealing with a full course load, a job and one of the worst periods of completely dabilitating and consuming depression I have ever experienced was just entirely too much. I was so behind in all my classes that I honestly was convinced I wouldn't make it (and so were some of my professors). But thanks to the doctor that perscribed me zoloft (which in my opinion is an absolute miracle drug), the psychologist I met with on a number of occasions, a surprisingly supportive family, an amazing partner and a few friends, I made it. And I am feeling good! Exausted, but good.

In other (totally unrelated) news, earlier tonight something posessed me to pour a small glass of the egg nog that's been sitting in the fridge for awhile now. I've officially decided that egg nog is one of the grossest things I've ever tasted. The taste is disgusting and the consistency reminds me of the flem one coughs up when one has a horrible cold. Or the nasal drip that drains down the back of one's throat. I don't understand why anyone would willingly drink the stuff. Especially non-alcoholic. A drink that tastes that bad should at least get you a little tipsy.

Oh, and just as a side note, last week at a hollywood party I met Efren Ramirez (Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite). Of whom was very charming and bought me drinks.

2004-12-06T20:04:00.000-05:00

My two favorite babies (Abi and Judah):

Fair Park

Petting Zoo
(I have no idea what some of these animals are)

My brother surfing at Malibu Beach

I was laying on the beach while Tripp was surfing, and all of a sudden this little dog (Oliver was his name) runs over me (literally, over me) and then plops down on the towel next to me. He insisted on sitting with me the rest of the time he was there.

A family friend loaned my brother his surfboard in Malibu, and this is his amazing beachfront apartment and the view from said amazing beachfront apartment:

On the way back from surfing in Malibu, my Mom decided that we'd stop and have a nice dinner at a restaurant that a friend had recomended. Up until that night, I was totally unaware of the fact that some expensive restaurants like to get creative when they wrap your leftovers. This would probably be because I've never been in really nice/expensive restaurants before. But this is a picture of my brother's half eaten burger (he got a burger at a seafood place!) wrapped as a crab. My leftover shrimp was wrapped as a swan, and my Mom's salmon was wrapped as a basket. Tripp set up this shot and took the picture.

2004-11-29T23:00:00.000-05:00

In October I worked on a short film as a grip. I just found out tonight that a rough cut with unfinished sound is available online. For some reason they have me listed as a set PA when I was actually a grip, but whatever. Credit is credit in this case. So if anyone's interested, here's Of A Life Ride.

2004-11-24T05:04:00.000-05:00

I have officially been putting off writing a paper for weeks. It's for my Foundations of Ministry class, which is an absolutely horrible class. It's the class everyone hates, and the class everyone is required to take, regardless of major. If you walk onto campus and ask anyone but a freshman what the worst class the college offers is, I can gurantee that they will say it's Foundations of Ministry. The texts they require us to read are horrid, and the lectures are enough to make you feel like cutting your ears off. At least if you didn't have ears, you could go to class and not have to listen!

Worse even than the lectures though, is this paper. There's two version. CALL paper 1, and CALL paper 2. CALL stands for Christ, Action, Learning, Living. The first one was describing what the sylabus defined the CALL as and what your four action focus goals were, "including accountability and measurability", for the CALL acronym. The length requirement for the first paper was four pages. No big deal, even though I either slept through or missed almost every class. I expected to fail that paper, because I disareed with almost everything I was required to talk about, and made it very clear that I felt like that. It was pretty much four pages of straight bullshit, because it only takes about a paragraph to say that you disagree with something and why you disagree with it.

So here's the issue. CALL paper 2 is due tomorrow morning, and the length requirement is eight pages. The four pages from our first paper, plus four new pages. So I somehow have to take four pages of bullshit and stretch it to eight pages. Sound like fun? Yeah. That would be why I've been avoiding it. The nice thing is, the only roomate I have left in town is avoiding a paper as well. We managed to clean, scrub and vacume the entire apartment. We did a sink full of dishes that had probably been sitting there for almost two weeks. We pulled the stove out from the wall and vacumed out the mouse poop and dead roaches. We cleaned both bathrooms, and then I made applesauce. Yes, applesause. At 1:00am.

2004-10-30T05:22:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I'm directing a shoot for my three minute plot film. I still don't have everything together, and I think the main thing I'm learning in my directing class is that I most assuredly do not want to direct. An assistant director...maybe. But I'd definitely never make a career out of directing. Just a random tidbit. Trying to lighten the mood around here a little.

2004-10-25T00:12:00.000-04:00

Saved!

2004-10-24T14:11:00.000-04:00

This weekend I rented Saved! to watch with a friend who hadn't seen it yet. If you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend renting it. Even if you have seen it, you should rent is just for the special features and a second watch. Here are some of my favorites:

Saved Revelations
-What's Veronica Really Thinking?
-Veronica's Dirty Little Secret

Bloopers
-How Mary Spent Her Summer
-Patrick and Roland's Little Secret

There's also two different sets of commentary that I haven't had a chance to check out.

2004-10-23T12:52:00.000-04:00

I would really like to know why it's always the o-n-e morning a week that I can sleep in that my roomate decides to get up early. This happens EVERY TIME. One day her alarm clock is going to end up going out the window (which is conveniently located next to my bed, along with her alarm clock).

2004-10-21T14:04:00.000-04:00

This is the problem with skipping a morning class. You skip, and then the next time class is supposed to meet, you wake up early and go. You get there only to find out that class was cancelled and everyone else had been informed of that during the meeting you skipped. So you woke up and drug yourself to campus for nothing.

2004-10-21T03:56:00.000-04:00

I am Indie Girl
Click on the picture below to read more:

Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

2004-10-14T14:17:00.000-04:00

"Hope is the grieving and joy of letting yourself trust again.
Hope is the irresistible urge to lay your hand on a thing
that shouldn’t be touched.
Hope is the throb in your heart when the voice in your gut
is all you can hear.

Faith is a desperate scramble at the edge of meaning.
Hope is trusting in something too good to be true.
Love, like faith, is unto death.

Faith is born of choosing.
Hope is like a child.
Love is the flesh beneath it all."
-rlp

2004-09-17T16:38:00.000-04:00

At school we have trolley's that shuttle between campuses. On those trolley's, the drivers play Christian radio 24/7. And on those radio stations, Focus on the Family shows are run. This is where we have a problem. Focus on the Family annoys me to death. It makes my hair stand on end and incites an extreme urge to throw things at the radio. What I heard today just furthered that urge and annoyance.

While sitting on the trolley today, I heard the phrase "gay marriage" coming from the radio. I automatically tuned in, simply because I wanted to see exactly how stupid and narrow minded the argument would be. Apparently Proctor & Gamble, the company behind products like Crest toothpaste and Tide laundry detergent, advocates and is involved in the fight for gay marriage/rights. My response? Fine! Good for them. Focus on the Family's response? BOYCOT! Yes, Focus on the Family was encouraging a boycot of Crest toothpaste and Tide laundry detergent. They provided phone numbers you could call to receive documentation on the boycot. They also provided information on how you could "recruit" other people for the boycot.

My jaw dropped. I can understand boycotting companies that use sweatshops and child labor. That I can totally understand. But boycotting something simply because the company behind that product advocates gay rights? That just seemed stupid. And it only reminded me of how much narrow minded Christians annoy me.

2004-09-12T22:47:00.000-04:00

For your entertainment purposes, here is an update on The Drip.

The behavior of The Drip has changed dramatically since the day it began. It started as a drip. Then it became a stream. Then it returned to its former drip state. Now it alternates between drip and stream. It drips for awhile, then all of a sudden it's like a dam in our ceiling has been let loose. Pieces of the ceiling are no longer peeling and falling away, making loud "plop" noises in the middle of the night. At this point in time, pieces of the actual floor underneat the ceiling are starting to fall off. Yes people, we have a full on hole in our ceiling. Actually, there's two. One that was created all on its own, and another courtesy of my new roomate's father. He's a plumber, and apparently he thought it looked like water was pooling in one area. So he poked a hole. It's helped. But apparently it needed more help, so it created a hole all on its own. I can only hope that our land lady doesn't have an absolute heart attack tomorrow morning when she see's this:

instead of this:

That's the latest on The Drip, and not much else is happening at the moment. My fourth roomate arrived yesterday. Let's just say that it was an eventful day, and leave it at that. Today I filled out job applications and hung a light in my room. We finally have a light! The only issue now is that the outlet connected to the switch is Out of Order.

There seem to be quite a few things Out of Order in this appartment right now.

2004-09-10T19:04:00.000-04:00

At 8:30am I called our land lady to find out when our ceiling/AC would be fixed. I was really hoping that it would be fixed today, or that the process would at least be started today. But, as luck would have it, they couldn't get to it until Monday. She then proceeded to tell me that it was O.K. to run the AC, and that they would have to paint the ceiling anyway. As she's telling me this, I'm standing in the living room staring at this thing and thinking, "There's no way they're just going to paint that. You can't just paint that."

Up until around 12:00pm, the heat was bearable, so we left it off. Once the clock hit 12:00, we had to turn it on. I just couldn't take it anymore. My logic was this: "She said it was O.K. So it must be O.K. Even if it's not, we aren't paying for the repairs, so it won't be money out of my pocket. Right?"

It ran fine for about an hour. Then The Drip started again. No big deal. Towels and a pot. About half an hour later, I'm standing in the kitchen chopping up veggies when I hear a loud "plop". I peek around the corner, and a chunk of our ceiling is sitting in the pot and The Drip is about 3 times it's original size. Now I'm starting to think, "Okay, maybe this wasn't such a good idea." But I left it on. Besides, it was only a really small piece. No big deal.

So I finish chopping and cooking and then scrub the entire kitchen (someone PLEASE tell me who's bright idea it was to have a tile countertop? Have you any idea how much mildew gets in those cracks? YUCK!). At this point it's about 2:30 or 3:00. I'm almost done when I hear another loud "plop". So I peek around the corner again. The ceiling is now peeling away, there's a huge piece in the pot and The Drip is about 10 times its original size. So now I'm thinking, "Okay, maybe I should have turned it off last time a piece fell off. Maybe this really wasn't a good idea."

So I turned it off. Now it's about 100 degrees in the apartment, which makes it absolutely impossible to wear an apropriate amount of clothing. It also makes it impossible to clean, organize and finish unpacking. So I did the same thing I did yesterday. I sat in front of the fan and took pictures and wrote about The Drip. Which actually isn't just The Drip anymore.

2004-09-09T18:58:00.000-04:00

If I'm not running around like crazy trying to get all the classes I need to graduate, dealing with jerk professors, job shopping or laid up on the sofa with a kidney infection relapse, you can be most assured that something else equally as annoying is taking place. Like my living room ceiling falling in, finding dead mice in the kitchen or discovering that our air filter is horrifyingly dirty.

Yup. You read right. Mice and a collapsing ceiling. Here's a few pictures for your enjoyment:

The boys that lived here last school year never used the AC, and the apartment was vacant over the summer. So apparently we are the first people to have used the AC in a very long time. The day before yesterday, we decided we'd had enough of the heat, and finally turned it on. A few hours later I was sitting in the living room furiously trying to regist for classes. All of a sudden I heard this weird "splat" sound. I looked around, then decided to ignore it. It kept going, so I looked around again, and there was water dripping from the ceiling in two places. Weird, but I wasn't too worried. One of the drips stopped. The other, however, turned into a full-on stream. Now I was worried. So we left a message for the land lady and turned the AC off. Yesterday was unbearably hot. So we turned it on again. It was fine for awhile. Then a new leak formed. That new leak has developed into a soggy ceiling, and that soggy ceiling is now cracking straight down the middle. If this isn't fixed soon, I'm convinced we're going to have an AC unit sitting in our living room.

2004-09-03T23:37:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we went into L.A. It was a disappointment, at the very best. But since today was a good day and yesterday was a bad one, we'll just talk about the latter another time.

I'm glad today turned out okay in the end, because it really started out rather glum. We got a late start and were going to check out all the beaches. But it was so hot. So incredibly hot. This is southern California, people! It's not supposed to be this hot! Then we found out that due to the lovely hurricane that's about to hit Florida, Elizabeth's flight tomorrow morning was cancelled. The good thing, however, is that my parents can be absolutely incredible sometimes. They got her the next flight out on Monday morning, and told us to drive to Santa Barbara for the weekend and stay at a cute little mom-and-pop place on the beach. So tomorrow morning we leave for the beautiful and oh-so-cool city of Santa Barbara. Complete with paid for hotel and scenic drive along the coast.

So after we figured that out, we went to Urban Outfitters, where the only thing I bought were some very cute curtains for a very cheap price. I'd have liked to have made my curtains, but at this point, I've had about all I can take of curtain making. At least for awhile.

And then the day started looking glum again. Bumper to bumper traffic for over an hour, angry conversations and seeing some poor man drive his car right into the rear end of a semi-truck. I don't think the truck even felt it. But that poor car sure did. That man now has a very smashed hood.

While sitting in traffic, I called Verizon, my new phone provider, to see where the closest store location was. Apparently, as a new customer, you can't just order service. You have to go to a store and let them verify your identity, or you have to fill out some paperwork, get it notorized and then fax it to them. Inconvenient, at best. Finding that out was very frustrating, especially after they told me that my phone line would be $29.00 a month. Excuse me? For no long distance, no voicemail, no three way?? AND THEN the idiot on the phone gave me bad directions. He must have ben dyslexic, becaus every single turn he told me to take was the opposite of the correct way. I did finally get there. And I was put in a better mood when I found out that the person on the phone was a total idiot (are we seeing a trend with this company??) and gave me a quote that was way off. By like $20.00. So as of tomorrow morning, I have a phone line!

After the phone fiasco, Liz and I ate a very nice meal at a mexican place. And then we went to the grocery. And then I found gas for $1.99! Such excitement. You could tell that I wasn't the only one excited, because there was at least one car lined up for every single pump at that station. If not two.

And tomorrow morning I have internet! I have never been so excited about a dial-up connection in my life. Normally you'd find my spoiled bratt little self totally moaning and complaining about a horrid dial-up connection. Because it's so slow, and so 1990's. But after a week of sitting in the school parking lot with my laptop on my lap, in the car, I am so excited! I can finally check my e-mail without driving down the street and looking like a total freak.

So right now, I'm sitting at starbucks, thoroughly enjoying the free wireless and goregous cool weather. I also have totally free entertainment. The man at the table next to me must be very drunk or very high or very something, because he's been continually laughing, talking and grinning at himself for the entirety of my starbucks visit.

2004-08-17T21:34:00.000-04:00

I actually feel like a normal human being! Well. Maybe not quite, considering walking around the apartment exausts me. But I'm definitely getting there.

2004-08-10T20:25:00.000-04:00

2004-07-24T04:16:00.000-04:00

thursday i realized:

that in the last 10 months, i've lived in three states and four apartments/houses. in the last 4 months, i've traveled across the country twice, seen the grand canyon, lived in three apartments and driven halfway across the country (and finally seen the midwest/southwest); in the last three days, i've been in texas, oklahoma, kansas and missouri.

everything i own (which isn't much) is scattered between three states, one house, one storage room and two apartments.

i also realized that as a result of all this traveling and moving, i'm finding it harder and harder to open up to new people, and much easier to remain completely detached from all my surroundings. somehow, i don't think that's a healthy thing.

i'm very, very tired. just the thought of the drive back is making me feel like i could burst into tears. and the thought of moving again in the next month makes me feel like i could cry for days.

i don't feel like i belong anywhere anymore.

Judah

2004-07-21T16:27:00.000-04:00

Confessional 06-13-04

2004-07-21T15:56:00.000-04:00

Gary Jules 06-02-04

2004-07-21T12:11:00.000-04:00

2004-07-21T07:08:00.000-04:00

Have I ever mentioned how much I really, really hate being a woman sometimes? I feel like shit, and it's only 6am.

2004-07-04T04:23:00.000-04:00

Sale! Continued

2004-07-02T15:46:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I've listed everything except for two skirts. Go check them out! There's some great tops, for really great prices. If you live nearby, feel free to come by and try them on, etc. I can also cancel auctions if you live in town, and you can just pay me, that way there's no shipping/handling charges.

My Stuff

Sale!

2004-07-01T02:18:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm selling some clothes on e-bay, due to a need for funds and lack of space. They're all really nice, and in great condition. I only have three things up at the moment, but will be adding more over the next few days. So go check it out!

My Stuff

Saved!

2004-06-22T11:36:00.000-04:00

The Saved Movie: "My Bible Believing friend, put on your spiritual armor, buckle your chin strap, get your Bible, dig in and brace yourself for 'last days' scriptures such as Matthew 24:9 and 2 Timothy 3:12 are here. We have nervously viewed them through a 'glass darkly' but now these verses are becoming 'crystal clear'. And it will get worse. Much, much worse. . .

A disturbing thermometer measuring the hate-filled temperature toward Bible Believing Christianity, while tenderly embracing the last days sin of homosexuality is the upcoming teen movie Saved! This mainstream movie is among the most open, blatant, mockery and attack on Bible Believing Christianity and Jesus Christ in modern times.

...Just what we’ve all been waiting for. . . During the Christian prom the beautiful and lovely couple finally arrives. 'Homo-hero' Dean arrives with his homosexual lover, and magically says, 'I know in my heart that Jesus still loves me!'

In case you missed the Saved! message. . . Christians (like Judge Roy Moore) are extreme, hypocritical, obnoxious, intolerant, liars — devils in disguise. While the homosexuals (same sex marriage advocates) are wonderful, beautiful, kind, courageous, heroic and just generally divine.

'Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!'
Isaiah 5:20"

-Dr. Terry Watkins, Th.D., Dial-the-Truth Ministries

2004-06-21T19:48:00.000-04:00

bittersweet reunions

2004-06-21T15:59:00.000-04:00

An Afternoon With Noah

2004-06-19T10:47:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Noah and I were the only one's around. Everyone else was either working or had something to do for the huge ballet performance (which is tonight). So, Noah had his choice of things to do. He decided he wanted to make cookies and go to Jamba Juice.

We managed to not get flour everywhere while turning the mixer on, which was definitely a first.

However, there were foil hersey's kiss wrappers all over the kitchen. And he successfully chased me around the room with chewed up chocolate.

Mr. Picassohead

2004-06-18T02:14:00.000-04:00

Mr. Picassohead

and

Mr. Picassohead again

2004-06-17T19:09:00.000-04:00

So. Apparently I'm missing a number of events in Dallas while here in Florida. The Decemberists being the main one that I would have thoroughly enjoyed.

I'm getting really sick of people only talking to me when they need something. Especially when they can be referred to as ex's. Or even worse than ex's, formerly (and apparently still) infatuated teenage boys. News flash. Time to grow up and get a life.

I'd forgotten about the extreme sugar ant problem that's rampant in southern Florida. There are ants on everything. Including my computer. If you rest your elbow in the desk or bathroom counter, a few minutes later you'll find tiny ants crawling on your arm. Gross.
-------------

My little sister, Abi (6), made this for me at school:

My little brother, Noah (9), built this entire roller coaster without any help (it's huge...comes up to my chest):

Growing Up and Going Home

2004-06-16T12:29:00.000-04:00

My sixteen year old sister looks older than I do.
My fourteen year old brother is a giant with a deep voice.
My nine year old brother recieves phone calls.
My six year old sister is as tall as the nine year old, and has braces.

The last three make me feel old. The first makes me feel very weird. Just being back is weird.

2004-06-15T20:12:00.000-04:00

Internet! I have working internet! What a beautiful thing.

At least my cat was happy to see me.

2004-06-11T02:28:00.000-04:00

The dreams have been infinitely worse the past week or so. My hormonal/chemical balance is all out of wack, and I don't quite know what to do with myself or anyone else anymore.

2004-05-27T14:25:00.000-04:00

there are times in life when things don't work out like you had hoped they would, or even like you'd have imagined in your wildest or worst dreams. but somehow, at the same time, life is still good. this is definitely one of those times.

2004-05-25T20:20:00.000-04:00

Tivoli Pizza and Pasta
2217 Greenville Avenue
214-821-5832

Sun-Thurs: 11am - 10pm
Fri-Sat: 11am - Midnight

So, tonight was my first shift. And it wasn't bad at all! The people I work with are quite nice, and our chef is hilarious. It's a small, cute restaurant. Right across the street from Whole Foods. Apparently it's only been open for two or three weeks, so business is still pretty slow right now. So, everyone that lives in Dallas, come try it out! We don't currently serve alcohol, due to the fact that we don't have an alcohol license, but you are more than welcome to bring your own! There's even a shop next door that sells.

Oh yes, we also deliver for free. If anyone around here would like a take-out menu, let me know and I'll gladly get one for you:-)